“THAR BE THE SPIRIT”

This is mostly for fun with a flavor of evangelizing. Ancient map makers would record their fear of the unknown with “Here be dragons” or “Thar be monsters”. Atheists may feel the same about the Bible. Pirates may feel the same about not being a pirate.

Mostly it is fun to “talk like a pirate”.

Setting

No setting is fine. Three pirate’s eye-patches will be necessary along with bandanas and/or tricorn hats.

Characters

PIRATE 1, PIRATE 2, and [entering halfway in] PIRATE 3.

The Play

PIRATE 1

Arrgh.

PIRATE 2

Arrgh ye-self.

PIRATE 1

Well, arrgh back at ye.

PIRATE 2

Aye, well arrg... I'm getting tired of this.

PIRATE 1

Arrg... Tired of what?

PIRATE 2

Saying arg all the time and looting and pillaging.

PIRATE 1

Hey, it's a living, mate.

PIRATE 2

Not much of a living. We steal stuff all the time an it still seems like we're dirt poor.

PIRATE 1

Well, the rum expense is pretty high, ye know.

PIRATE 2

Aye. Thar's another thing. Aren't we a little too O.C.D. about this rum?

PIRATE 1

O.C.D?

PIRATE 2

Obsessed! Obsessive, Compulsive, I don't know. We just find gold, bury it, and sing about rum.

PIRATE 1

Aye! Yo ho! The pirate's life. What has gotten into you? Don't ye want to be a pirate any more?

PIRATE 2

I just feel that there is something bigger... A meaning for us being here.

PIRATE 1

Not sure what has come over you but a little rum will fix it.

PIRATE 2 [looking distant]

And all that booty. We could be investing it, helping others, or just giving it back.

PIRATE 1

Now wait a minute...

PIRATE 3 [Entering]

Arrgh!

PIRATE 2

Oh, shut up.

PIRATE 3 [to PIRATE 1]

What's the matter with him?

PIRATE 1

He thinks we're C.O.D.

PIRATE 2

O.C.D! Especially about the argh business. Why do we even have these patches on? [Takes eye patch off]

PIRATE 1

Put that back on!

PIRATE 3

What're yer doing?!

PIRATE 2 [answering Pirate 1]

No. You take yours off.

PIRATE 1

No way. It's 'orrible. Me eye was cut out in a knife fight.

PIRATE 2

No it wasn't.

PIRATE 1

It got poked while I was pillaging.

PIRATE 2

Liar.

PIRATE 1

Lazy eye?

PIRATE 2

Come on! Take it off. You can choose not to be blind. I can help if you like.

PIRATE 3 [to PIRATE 1]

He thinks ye have a choice. Yer not going to do it are ye?

PIRATE 1

Me thinks I need a shot of rum first.

PIRATE 2

You don't need rum.

PIRATE 3 [to Pirate 2]

Don't need rum?? Yer a scurvy one, mate!

PIRATE 2 [to Pirate 1]

Go on.

PIRATE 1 [removes patch and looks around somewhat confused but smiles]

Hey! Depth perception. That's pretty cool!

PIRATE 3 [Patting pockets]

Arrgh. Where's me rum?

PIRATE 1

Who needs rum? You have to check this out.

PIRATE 3

Who needs... Ye went completely daft! Put the patch on!

PIRATE 1

Why should I? Do YOU really need that patch?

PIRATE 2 [to Pirate 3]

Come on. You can see better and feel better.

PIRATE 3 [turning and leaving]

Arrrgh. I got to find me rum. Yo ho ho. Tis a pirate's life for me...[leaves]

PIRATE 1

Why would he want to stay a pirate?

PIRATE 2

Maybe we scared him. Maybe he's thinking about it. Change can be tough when you're a pirate.

PIRATE 1

Well, you changed me. But what changed you?

PIRATE 2

I guess we just needed a nudge somehow. Let's go unbury that treasure and do something good with it.

PIRATE 1

Aye matey!

PIRATE 2

Aye matey?

PIRATE 1

Old habits can be hard to break.

[EXIT]

THE END

© 2012 John Beavers

This script may be used without royalty payment, provided no charge is made for entrance.  In return, the author would like to be notified if this drama is used and for what purpose.  You may contact me at john@jjandb.net.